Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in oncall's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
8:11 am	Death is calling.... People who have read the book 'Hot Zone' will know what is going throught my mind as i read stories of an ebola outbreak killing 180 people in angola. Fear. The book was a gift from oook which sparked a deep interest in ebola. Reading more about it only made the fear more real. This is a virus that kills and does the best job anyone can do. And does it with speed, pain and gore. Hell, Jack the ripper and his clan will be kids with green fingers compaired to ebola. And it has reappeared again. With modernization, you its not possible to prevent diseases from spreading. Look what happened to SARS. Imagine ebola on a SARS scale.... only lucifer is smiling. People are not taking ebola seriously. I am worried. On a different note, when you google ebola, i fould pages with 'ebola fan club' and 'i love ebola'..... i wonder ... http://www.emedicine.com/MED/topic626.htm http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0385479565/qid=1112667965/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-7843970-1294526?v=glance&s=books http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvrd/spb/mnpages/dispages/ebola.htm Current Mood: worried (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 4th, 2005
9:56 pm	Anything but the book.... The first time i heard 'The flower duet' was for a BA add. I was enchanted. Later, thanks to yani's version, i stumbled upon the original . After all these years i still find it to be one of the most amazing pieces of classical music i have ever heard... I should be studying. But i cannot get myself to sit continuously at one place 10 to 12 hours at a time... more happy in the hospital.... Holi happened recently. Was my duty day. On the way back to the library, was confronted my a mob of multi coloured ?people who i could not recognize until one of them said 'sir can i come late to the hospital?' my interns. I could not help but smile.Couple of years ago, the roles were reversed. I wanted to tell them enjoy as much as you guys want that the future is far more serious and less of fun than you imagine it to be... Current Mood: blank Current Music: Ministry Of Sound - water - Evolution (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
10:29 am	Hello, World (again) Its been a while. Call it a drop of interest/lazyness. A lot of things have and are happening, thoughts and feelings are building up. All waiting to be resolved or just come out. Hence the need to start blogging again. At the end of three years of post grad study, we are put to the test. 6 papers of theory and a practical examination where you are asked anything. Right from the undergraduate days to now, the questions can pertain to any 'medical' subejct. We are allowed a few mistakes. The emphesis is on 'few'. Around 50% of the doctors who appear will be cleared. Will i make it in the 50% ? The approach to prepare for both the practical and theory exams are very different. The theory exam requires 6 months of cramming. Ive just started and have only 4! That is hanging like a sword over my head. Actually, i prefere the sword to what i feel now! The praactical exam which is far more tougher and more intense is something i am a bit more comfortable about. 3 years of working in the hospital 24x7 has instilled a lot of confidence. May the force be with me. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Johann Sebastian Bach - Concerto No. 5 - BW 1050 - 1 - Allegro (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
12:34 pm	18 and may die! Disbelief. I was called to attend to a patient with a large and serious heart attack. Nothing unusual about it. Except he was 27! 'he cant be the patient!' was my first thought. Whats happening to us! How can someone my age get a heart attack? Ones life is curtailed after an event like this. How would my life be if it were suddenly and catastrophically derailed by an event like this. Its very frightening. Every single day may very well be ones last. Ones future suddenly becomes very bleak. The carefree attitude of the young suddenly disappears. Ones heart and soul are suddenly forced into an alien state because of the inadequacies of the body. Its like loosing the race before even starting. He cannot sleep at night. Nor can i. Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 16th, 2004
5:33 pm	"A Hole in the head is better than one in the ground" Mr V was enjoying his life. All the possible habits, smoking, drinking, etc,etc. All the risk factors, Diabetes, Hypertension, Liver problems. All the negligence. And then it happened. He collapsed at home the morning after a wild binge. And sure, he had a lot. So much so that when he was taken to a hospital, has was thought to be intoxicated. When he did not improve and when he stopped breathing, they sent him here. Just in time. To be put on a ventilator so that he can breath. A CT Scan showed a huge portion of his brain was damaged due to a blocked blood vessel. His misfortune that that vital areas were involved, courtesy his habits and uncontrolled risk factors. Each time one is called to attend to an emergency, you know - whether this person is going to make it or not. This first impression is a very strong one. 'He's bad but can make it' will make you move heaven and earth to fight. 'He is so messed up, may not make it' does not mean that one works less. It will cause you to work just as hard and try things that might be risky but may give a very small hope. Thats your aim. A small hope, any hope. You kling on to it, working towards it. The last line of defense, so to speak. The minute i saw his CT Scan film, i thought he will not pull through. For 10 days, a machine was breathing for him, pumps were helping his heart, antibiotics were defending his body. He was getting the whole works. But he was in a coma. Not a small flicker of life. I almost gave up. He was running up a huge bill which i knew his next of kin will not be able to afford. there was a time when he was off the ventilator, was ok for a while but later could not breath on his own. The decision was weather to put him back on a ventilator or let him be and let nature take its course. All the doctors who were involved in his treatment were standing around him trying to make a decision to put him back on the ventilator or not. Eventually we did. I remember walking out of his room thinking that we should let him go. Then it happened. No, he did not get up and ask where am I like in the movies, but his pupils started to react to light. Initially sluggish and the next day stronger. I could not believe it. I had given up on him recovering. For the first time, I could tell the relatives something positive. The neurosurgeons, who had earlier differed surgery saying there is no use, were called back. Immediately, with a manual drill, a hole was made into his head and a tube was placed to relieve pressure. The response was immediate. He started to move his limbs and hands, he tried to move his head away from the meddling. Everyday I notice small signs of improvement. They all add up to a miracle. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
12:01 am	Hello, World! "Doctor, come fast". (said with a strong Mallu accent with a blocked nose thrown in!) Life, as i know it, is punctuated with those words; setting off a chain of events that bring me to the patients bed. things just happen after that. The transformation is instant. Bevildering, at times. Deep in sleep, beautiful Madens dancing on breaches, me hand in hand with S...... to a bloated up patient not passing urine, just vomited over a liter of blood and gasping. I am yet to figure out which is my normal life. I have been thrown in Hubli, (the name always reminds me of cheep Bruce lee jokes!) for all the places in the world. There is an ICU here. And for some strange reason, the higher up's think that i can come here and save lives! (i still wonder where they got all that confidence in me! Probably the air is thinner, higher you go!) Resigned to my fate, i drove down here 10 days ago. God will tell you that i happen to be on his list of those who curses him alot. (maybe thats why i am in hubli ?!!?) Each time i am called to see the patient, its most likely that those few minutes will be his/her last. Thats when i start cursing. You cant do this to me, i tell him and each time he does. Takes my patients away. despite anything and everything, (including the kitchen sink and my swiss army knife) that i try. Few you understand. they have suffered a lot. but the rest, it hurts a lot. I feel like crying. especially when i have to tell the relatives. thats when it hits you. Death surrounds me, and I amuse my self thinking that i can fight and win. At least i try. Majority of us have never seen death, head about you. maybe on occasions come close. I guess as we get older, that contact increases. Its entirely different for the likes of me. We live with it. There has got to be a way.... This blog is about all that. About my mixed feelings and the events that affect my life. I'm listening to Yanni. found it on my hard disk in some unused directory. 'Elevator Music' is what i used to call it before. But a few of his compositions are very good and stur a lot of feelings....I would have laughed at anyone 5 years ago if someone told me the same. Im hungry. Too tied to eat. want to sleep. Will eat more for breakfast. 'the man with the hole in the head' troubles me.... PS: thanks (once again) to oook for showing the way into the huge world of Blogs... Current Mood: drained Current Music: Yanni - Until The Last Moment (Comment on this)